The Colbible
"And Stephen called the firmament commercials. And the evening and the morning were like a really long time ago but not really."
We're in the process of writing the Colbible. This is what we have so far.
Index
Genitaliasis
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1 In the beginning Jon created The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
2 And The Daily Show was without a clever spinoff; and darkness was upon the face of Comedy Central. And the Spirit of Stephen Colbert moved upon the face of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
3 And Stephen said, Let there be The Colbert Report: and there was The Colbert Report.
4 And Stephen saw The Colbert Report, that it was friggin' awesome: and Stephen divided The Colbert Report from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
5 And Stephen called his show The Colbert Report, and Jon's show he called The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. And the evening and the morning were really awesome and full of weird mystical stuff like unicorns and Harry Potter and yeah.
6 And Stephen said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the two shows, and let it divide them . . . because that means I get more money, biatch.
7 And Stephen made the firmament, and divided the show which was before the other show from the show that was after the other show: and it was so.
8 And Stephen called the firmament commercials. And the evening and the morning were like a really long time ago but not really.
9 And Stephen said, Let The Colbert Report after The Daily Show be gathered unto one place, and let me get some friggen ratings, dammit, and maybe a beer. Oh yeah. That hits the spot: and it was so.
10 And Stephen called his show The Colbert Report; and his right ear that's a little wonky is his wonky ear: and Stephen saw that it was good.
11 And Stephen said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind, upon the earth; and it was so.
12 And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: Stephen saw that it was good, so he went and smoked some marijuana, which is what you all should be doing right now.
13 And the evening and the morning were really fuzzy because Stephen was really high on that grass and that herb yielding seed.
14 And Stephen said, Let there be commercials in the firmament of The Colbert Report and The Daily Show to divide my money from Jon; and let there be signs for my show so that I can get some more ratings, goddammit. Oh, and my crotch itches. Can I make it stop itching? Oh yeah. 'Tis good to be God.
15 And let them be money-making for me and maybe Jon because he's a Jew, and he likes that. Oh great. Now all the Jews are going to be pissed at me. It's 1-800-oops-jew all over again; and it was so.
16 And Stephen made a lot of cash, but he still wanted more, so he put some stars on his show, and he made more cash. And it was cool.
17 And Stephen made light of Jewish people on his show, and people got pissed.
18 And Stephen was getting tired of the word "and."
19 And the evening and the morning was pretty good.
20 And Stephen said, Let the waters bring forth people and animals and unicorns and Harry Potter and prostitutes and maybe some more drugs. And Jews. We need some Jews. Maybe some Chinese grandmas? And we need some gay people. Yeah. That would be nice.
21 And Stephen created lots of weird stuff: and Stephen saw that it was good, although the last Harry Potter book was a little sad.
22 And Stephen blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let my money multiply in the earth. And watch my show on Comedy Central.
23 And the evening and the morning were . . . dammit, you know.
24 And Stephen said, Let the earth bring forth some more weird stuff. I'm getting tired talking to myself; and it was so.
25 And Stephen made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and Stephen saw that it was good . . . except for those goddamn bears.
26 And Stephen said, Let us make The Colbert Report in our image, after our likeness: and let it have dominion over the fish of the sea, and the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; for example: Michael Jackson. He creepeth. Oh how he creepeth.
27 So Stephen created The Colbert Report in his own image, in the image of Stephen created him; male and female created he them.
28 And Stephen blessed them, and Stephen said unto them, Be fruitful, multiply my money, replenish my money, and subdue my money: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.
29 And Stephen said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, including the marijijuana and don't forget the shrooms, and every tree, in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for paper, so that you can make money out it to give to me in great abundance.
30 And to every beast yada yada yada bla bla bla etc. etc. IT WAS THE SIXTH DAY, OK?
2 Thus The Daily Show and The Colbert Report were finished in one very, very longwinded and overly verbose speech.
2 And on the seventh day Stephen ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
3 And Stephen blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because it would be a good day henceforth to seek thine hookers.
4 And then Stephen created man out of dust, which doth not really make any sense because he already created man on the sixth day but whatever.
5 And the Lord Stephen planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put man whom he had formed.
6 And out of the ground made the Lord Stephen to grow every type of hallucinatory drug that is pleasant to the neurotransmitters, and good for Colombian drugs lords; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
7 And the Lord Stephen commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat and every illegal drug thou mayest introduce into thy bloodstream:
8 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thou shalt surely die.
9 And the Lord Stephen said, It is not good that the man should be alone; he is kind of stupid.
10 And the Lord Stephen caused a deep sleep to fall over the first man, who happened to be Adam West, the original Batman, and he took one of his ribs and made a woman.
11 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed . . . well, at least Adam West wasn't ashamed. He doth be rather psychotic.
3 Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the Lord Stephen made, even more subtle than bears, who are godless killing machines. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath Stephen said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?
2 And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:
3 But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, Stephen hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye it, lest ye die.
4 And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die. Ye shall get larger breasts, and ye shall lose up to 30 lbs. in only three weeks guaranteed!
5 For Stephen doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your boobies shall get bigger and ye shall experience significant weight loss.
6 And when the woman saw that the tree was good for her ego, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband thereof; and he did eat.
7 And the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; actually, they always knew that they were naked, but now the woman realized that Adam West had wrinkly genitaliasis.
8 And they heard the voice of Stephen walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam West and his wife hid themselves from the prescence of the Lord Stephen amongst the trees of the garden.
9 And the Lord Stephen called unto Adam West, and said unto him, Where art thou?
10 And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked and my wrinkly genitaliasis was showing; and I hid myself.
11 And he said, Good point, but who told you that you were naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree?
12 And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat because I doth be pussy-whipped.
13 And the Lord Stephen said, Wow, this guy is a pussy. And the woman said, Yes, he doth be a jackass. And I blameth it on the serpent.
14 And the Lord Stephen said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou sucketh, but not as much as bears.
15 Unto the woman he said, I shalt greatly multiply thy sorrow during thy menstrual period and also multiply the sorrow of the men who must deal with thy sorrow just because Adam West doth be a pussy.
16 And unto Adam West he said, Because thou hast eaten of the tree, I shalt cancel thy television series and make thee a lunatic and a psychopath for the rest of thy life. In addition, all the men after thee shalt endure much sorrow every time they art kicked in the genitaliasis and when they doth contract prostate cancer.
17 Therefore the Lord Stephen sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
4 And Stephen saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.
2 And it repented the Lord that he had made man on earth, and it grieved him at his heart.
3 And the Lord said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth both man and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air, and Michael Jackson, and hopefully those goddamn bears; for it repenteth me that I have made them. Why oh why did I create bears, dammit?
4 But B-list actor Noah Wiley from the television series ER found grace in the eyes of Stephen.
5 And Stephen said unto Noah Wiley, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with bears and Flying Spaghetti Monster worshippers and heterosexuals; and behold, I will try to destroy them but then probably change my mind and waste your time with my arbitrary whims because I'm French, bitch.
6 Make thee an ark, and of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female . . . except you should probably some extra human lesbians. Thou canst not have too many lesbians.
7 Thus did Noah Wiley; according to all that Stephen commanded him, so did he, especially that thing about the lesbians.
8 And the Lord Stephen said unto Noah, Come thou and all thy lesbians into the ark; for thee have I seen righteous in this generation.
9 And it came to pass, that the waters of the flood were upon the earth. And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights. After the end of the hundred and fifty days, the waters dried from the earth and were abated.
10 And Stephen spake unto Noah Wiley saying,
11 Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy lesbians with thee.
12 Bring forth with thee every living with thee, of all flesh, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
13 And Noah Wiley went forth, got the lesbians drunk, and repopulated the earth.
5 Now these are the generations of the sons of Noah and the lesbians: unto them were sons and daughters born after the flood. But the daughters doth not matter for they hath not penises, and everyone doth know that the writers of the Bible were closet homosexuals.
2 The sons of that really hot dark-haired lesbian; Godzilla, Michael Moore, and Mr. T, and Jay-Z, and Tony Robbins, and Mick Jagger, and Tiger Woods.
3 And the sons of Godzilla; Ash from Pokemon, Rip Van Winkle, and Tom Brokaw from NBC News.
4 And the sons of Jay-Z; Eddie Murphy, Thomas the Tank Engine, Carson Daly, and David Spade.
5 By these were the isles of the lesbian-bred celebrities divided in their lands; every one after his tongue, after their families, in their nations.
6 And the sons of that slightly demented lesbian named Ham Sandwich; Tim Curry from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Michael Douglas, and Pharrell, and Kirk Douglas.
7 And the sons of Tim Curry, for though he doth be a wonderful homosexual person, he did seek artificial insemination; Simon Cowell, and Happy Gilmore, and Sammy Davis Jr., and Ralph Nader, and Samuel L. Jackson: and the sons of Ralph Nader; Sean Connery and Derek Zoolander.
8 These are the families of the sons of Noah Wiley, after their generations, in their nations: actually, there were probably about twenty to fifty men erased from this list because it doth take friggen forever to mention them. Sorry, Christian Bale. MOVETH-ING ON.
6 And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech.
2 And it came to pass, as Sean Connery and Derek Zoolander journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Shania Twain; and they dwelt there.
3 And they said to one another, Go to, let us build a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven, which we assume is somewhere in Angelina Jolie's undergarments; and let us make us a name, lest Angelina not know what name to call us in bed.
4 And the Lord Stephen came down to see the city and the tower, which the men had built, because he doth heard that someone might get some action.
5 And the Lord Stephen said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now my grammar doth sucketh, for I am a complete and total idiot: and now nothing will be restrained from them taunting my stupiditiocinessity, which they have imagined to do.
6 Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not realize that I am complete imbecile.
7 So the Lord Stephen scattered them aboard from thence upon the face of all the earth: and they left off to build the city.
8 Therefore is the name of it Babelfish; because the Lord Stephen did confound the language of all the earth: and from thence did the Lord Stephen scatter them aboard upon the face of all the earth . . . because the Lord Stephen who art in heaven is an idiot.
7 Now the Lord Stephen said unto Jack Abramoff, descendant of Sean Connery, Get thee out of Beverly Hills, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will shew thee:
2 And I will make thee a great pile of cash, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing;
3 And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall family values of the Republican party be blessed. Of course, I happen to be sort of stupid, and thou art a greedy jackass, but I be willing to overlook those two facts.
4 So Jack Abramoff departed, as the Lord Stephen had spoken unto him; and eLotteryInc. went with him: and Jack Abramoff was negative seven million and five point two years old when he departed out of Beverly Hills according to his death certificate.
5 And Abramoff took Sarah Michelle Gellar his wife/vampire slayer, and eLottery Inc, and their substance that they had gathered, and the souls that they had gotten in Beverly Hills, and they went forth to go into the land of California's 50th District; and into the land of California's 50th district they came.
6 And the Lord Stephen appeared unto Abramoff, and said, Unto thy seed will I give this land: and there he built he an altar unto the Lord Stephen made entirely of marijuana.
7 And Abramoff journeyed, going on still toward the marijuana and boobies.
8 And there was a famine in the land: Abramoff went down into East L.A. to sojourn there; for the famine was grievous there in the land, and he could make money off the illegal immigrants.
9 And it came to pass, when he was come near to enter into East L.A., that he said unto Sarah Michelle Gellar his wife, Behold now, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon:
10 Therefore it shall come to pass, when the horny men shall see thee, that they shall say, Hey isn't that that chick from Buffy?: and they shall kill me for no apparent reason and not believe that I am thy husband, but they will save thee alive.
11 Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister: that maybe they will let me live because they will think I can get them into thy pants; and my soul shall live because thee.
12 And it came to pass, that, when Abramoff was come into East L.A., the horny men beheld that Sarah Michelle Gellar was very fair and also that chick from Buffy.
13 Freddy Prinze Jr. also saw her and commended her before Colin Ferrell: and the woman was taken into Colin Ferrell's house.
14 And he entreated Abramoff well for her sake: and he had sheep and oxen and a really nice ass and butlers and maids and a REALLY, REALLY NICE ASS.
15 And the Lord Stephen plagued Colin Ferrell and his house with great plagues because of Sarah Michelle Gellar and also because he was jealous . . . of Colin Ferrell's nice ass.
16 And Colin Ferrell called Abramoff and said, What is this that thou hast done unto me? why didst thou not tell me that she was thy wife? 17 Why saidst thou, She is my sister? so I might have taken her to me to wife: now therefore behold thy wife, take her, and go thy way because I know thou hast gonorrhea and I now I have it. Thanks a lot! 18 And Colin Ferrell commanded his men concerning him; and they sent him away and his wife and all that he had except for his gonorrhea pills.
8 And Abramoff went up out of East L.A. and he, and his wife, and all that he had, and eLottery Inc. with him, into the south.
2 And Abramoff was very rich in rubber bath toys and insider trading.
3 And he went on his journeys from the south even back to that place where he made the crazy weed shrine at the beginning.
4 And the land was not able to bear them there because it could not handle so much evil in one place. Clearly, they should have gone to Washington, D.C.
5 And there was great strife between the He-man action figures of Abramoff's tribe and the Spiderman action figures of eLottery Inc; and the Kirk Camerononites and the Paris Hiltoninites dwelled then between the land.
6 And Abramoff said unto eLottery Inc, Let there be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee, and between my He-man pajama pants and thy Spiderman pez dispenser; for we be brethren.
7 Is not the whole land before thee? separate thyself, I pray thee, from me: if thou wilt take the left hand, I will go to the right: or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go left. And if thou wilt go to McDonalds, I shall let thee have my Happy Meal toy.
8 And eLottery Inc lifted up its eyes, and beheld the plain of Michael Jordan, that it was well watered everywhere, before the Lord Stephen destroyed the movies Space Jam and Juwannaman.
9 Then eLottery Inc chose him all the plain of Michael Jordan; and eLottery Inc journeyed east; and they separated themselves the one from the other.
10 Abramoff dwelled in the the land of Carmen Sandiego, and eLottery Inc dwlled in the cities of the plain, and pitched his tent toward Space Jam. Needless to say, he woke to some wasskly wabbits in the morning.
11 But the men of Space Jam were wicked in the and sinners before the Lord Stephen exceedingly. They stole cable. THAT IS NOT FUNNY!
12 And the Lord Stephen said unto Abramoff, after that eLottery Inc was separated from him, Lift up now thine eyes, and look from the place where thou art northward, and southward, and eastward, and westward. Then the Lord Stehen yoinked Abramoff's wallet out of his pocket and declareth, Haha made you look!
13 For all the which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed forever.
14 And I will make thy seed as the dust of the earth: so that if a man can number the dust of the earth, then shall thy seed also be numbered. Because in the future, everyone's favorite game will be Count My Sperm!
15 Then Abramoff removed his tent, dwelt in the plain of Matchbox 20, and built an altar there unto the Lord Stephen.
9 And it came pass in the days of Al Gore, Tidal king of all nations (on alternating weekends),
2 That these made war with Bugs Bunny, king of Space Jam, and with Brad Pitt, king of Juwannaman, and some other other kings who nobody really cares about anyway.
3 All these joined together in the salt sea.
4 Twelve years they served Al Gore, and in the thirteenth they rebelled. Wow, took you long enough, Einstein.
5 And they took all the goods of Space Jam and Juwannaman, which ended up being five basketballs and an Elmer Fudd T-shirt.
6 And they took eLottery Inc, who dwelt in Space Jam, and his goods, and departed.
7 And when Abramoff heard that his investment had been taken captive, he armed his trained lobbyists, three hundred and eighteen, and pursued them unto Dan Rather.
8 And he divided himself against them and smote them. And he brought back all the goods, except for the Elmer Fudd T-shirt because it was really ugly, and the women also and the people.
9 And the king of Space Jam blessed him and said, Blessed be Abramoff of the most high God Stephen Colbert, possesser of heaven and Earth and Comedy Central.
10 And the king of Space Jam said unto Abramoff, Give me the persons, and take the goods to thyself.
11 And Abramoff said to the king of Space Jam, I will not take a thread even to a shoelatchet, and that I will not take anything that is thine, lest thou shouldest say, I have made Abramoff rich:
12 Save only that which the young men have eaten, and the portion of the men which went with me.
13 Then when nobody was looking, Abramoff robbed everyone blind.
